RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

How masculinity is wearing a bit thin
23rd July 2004

Men and more importantly women of Australia, be alert and alarmed, the latest research suggests that thongs, yes thongs, can make men impotent and damage internal organs – whichever comes first.  Researchers found that thongs contain toxic phthalates, which act like hormones that impact on our reproductive organs, liver and kidneys - which for blokes means that wearing thongs could "let your dingo down" or you might be firing blanks.  Thongs tested by the German Environmental Protection Association found that they had high amounts of lead, poisonous zinc and phosphoroganic compounds, not to mention how it's easy to slip when you've had a few bevies if the flange bit has worn out.  Just reading the word phosphoroganic is already reducing my libido.

What's striking about this and many stories and ads that have anything to do with men's bodies, is that the news is almost always delivered in terms of men being hard and potent or weak and limp.  I've always loathed ads for women's perfumes and cosmetics that read like romantic pulp fiction, "Sensuous, with a deep, lustrous allure… a new lipstick that lets you stroke on the opulent feeling… of velvet."  But ads for men's products stereotypically read like a hardware catalogue, "Precise, results-orientated products for your face and body.  Maximum impact – minimum effort – Eternity for men."  The message is that women are soft, sensuous, gentle and nurturing, while men are strong, potent and results orientated – still in 2004! 

Sure men’s magazines now offer recipes for soups as well as a host of exercise options for increasing the size of biceps, but on the whole this bumpf doesn't accurately represent the real picture.  It's been said that the best diamonds are the ones that have the most facets and so it is with people.  So some days a guy may be a grunting Neanderthal who gets off on chasing feral pigs (as do some women) while other days he wants to have a bath in frankincense and patchouli and try a new recipe with verjuice, but neither activity makes him more or less male.  I don't think a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do at all – whatever that means.  But perhaps every man needs to reclaim his own unique masculinity in any way that he's comfortable with.

Years ago, I read a book called, "Why do I think I'm nothing without a man?"  I didn't think that till I read the book.  In the same way, as long as ads for Viagra seep through our emails every day and men's egos are diminished by the looming nightmare of a penile implant, it's almost impossible for a man to find and engage with an original, non-phallus obsessed masculinity.  I recently saw an ad for a penile implant that's activated by remote control, imagine what could happen if you're trying to open the garage door and you press the wrong device?  No wonder there's a bunch of guys out there spending their weekends doing drum workshops and new moon rituals!

Now that the "new man" has become a target to appeal to, the male fashion world is seeking to find what the new man wants from his casual clothing – pah-lease!  The new casual is supposed to give the appearance of ease and comfort with yourself.  A recent guide described five different kinds of casual; active casual, rugged casual, smart casual, dressy casual and business casual.  How is a man supposed to know which casual is the right one for him?  What about Slob Casual?  Now there's an idea that could really take off.

Imagine an entire shop dedicated to Slob Casual.  You'd walk in and the shop would be an exact replica of your bedroom-no racks, no shelves, everything just lying on the floor.  You could simply choose two or three items, smell them, pay for them, put them on and walk out – easy!  Exclusive items available in store might be a range of T-shirts that already smell of car-polish, worn out trakkie daks that have shrunk so much they only cover half your backside and a pile of mismatched thongs.  Following on from the success of this store we could have-the I-Couldn't-Be-Stuffed Casual store and finally for the not afraid to be honest bloke, the Still-Dressed-By-Mum Casual store.