RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

Heat builds up in Canberra kitchen
23rd April 2004

I can’t stop eating. The more I eat, the more I want to eat; apparently that’s what carbohydrates do to you.  According to the experts, the reason the high protein diet works is because high protein diminishes your appetite.  But let’s be honest here, a fillet of fish or a poached chicken breast drowning in a fat-free, sugar-free, salt-free, TASTE-free sludge, just doesn’t reduce my stress-levels.  At this time when many world leaders appear to be driven by the same desire that drives little boys to pull the wings off flies, proteins don’t fill the gaping hole of doubt surrounding everything from weapons of mass destruction to Posh and Beck’s marriage.  Only pastries, pasta, rice and anything that explodes my gut with yeast will curl my lips into a bitter mocking smile.

It seems I’m not alone; there are others who gorge themselves on carbohydrates as a cry for help.  Recently it’s come to light that our Intelligence organisations are partial to a little sifting of flour and spices to create something raised, sweet and fluffy.  It’s a little known fact that along with their regular duties like defending our shores from international spies in wet suits, that members of Australia’s Defence Intelligence Organisation also bake their own breads and pastries.

I know this because yesterday I received a leaked document wrapped in white paper inside a brown paper bag stuffed into a huge Pavlova.  I’ll share this information with you but only if you come closer to the page, shhh – you must not read this out loud.  I quote, “There are no plain breads in the Defence Force’s range of breads.  In fact the words plain bread like military intelligence, are mutually exclusive.”  This leaked document maintains that Military Intelligence personnel do not add stabilizers, improvers, premixes, preservatives or artificial flavours to their breads and pastries.  My anonymous messenger claims that the quality of their dough proves that they use no additives.

Defence Force chef, sorry chief, Peter Cosgrove has this week dismissed claims that the Defence Intelligence Organisation’s information “had been shaped by government policy.”  Fair enough.  But I think we need to examine what their breads are shaped by.  And indeed if there is going to be a Royal Commission, it should be an examination of why we didn’t know about this bread-baking hoojamooja until now.  I reckon that if the Government can’t stand the heat then they should get out of the kitchen and leave the Defence chefs to do their own baking.

Curiosity and my insatiable desire to shove most things into my gob got the better of me and I decided to have a bit of a poke around in the Defence Force’s bread crock.  This is what I discovered.  There on top of the freshly baked heap was the whole-wheat Whistleblowers' Loaf, affectionately called The Lance; it’s a crusty loaf, soft on the inside with a distinctive honest flavour.  It’s made with a mix of softened home-grown grains including wheat, barley and anti-corruption ingredients.  Great for that empty feeling when you’re stuck on a battlefield.

The Ciabatta or Cosgrove is a slipper shaped loaf with a chewy texture.  Terrific for dipping into soups, salads and military sorties.  This bread is capable of satisfying the personnel and personal tastes of Defence Force and government gourmets.  The Prune and Pumpkin sourdough or Hill loaf, is a small white sourdough loaf crammed full of prunes.  It’s a great accompaniment to yellow cheese or served thinly sliced with cured meats.  Best in small quantities.

And last but never least, my salivary glands almost imploded when I unwrapped the spiced date-loaf, a roughly chopped and thrown together aromatic slab known in Intelligence circles as Latham’s Sticky Bun.  You may have noticed there are currently many questions being asked of the D.I.O, none hastily arrived at nor, in my opinion excessive.  We need to know the truth about their baking activities and exactly who gets to bring home the bacon.  Some may say the D.I.O is the greatest thing since sliced bread but the only good thing about sliced bread is that it makes neat sandwiches..