RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

No one's perfect, so stop being so picky
13th February 2004

The media has focused on "the war on terrorism" for such a long time that no one would blame me for being nervous about, well – everything!  Especially when every-time I watch the News, there's the American president smiling like a gibbon and using the word we as if he's the boss of us all.  But there is a bigger evil to be wary of, a hidden killer that camouflages itself as something desirable: the perfect relationship.  Tomorrow is the day of chocolates, wine and roses, that mooshy love glue that is about as reliable as those famous three words, "I'll call you."

I propose that due to the fact that not one of us is perfect, except maybe Bert and Patti Newton, we should get used to the idea that we all come with baggage, myself included.  Some individuals carry a neat little designer rucksack amount of heart-searing experiences, while others land on your door with a dumpster-load of stinky emotional dread and false expectations.  This double-whammy must surely impact on the way they communicate their feelings. 

A recently dumped male friend of mine, who's generally very sensitive and considerate, was seated at a candlelit table opposite a woman he'd wanted to ask out on a date for months.  He knew she fancied him too, but he was so humiliated from his previous rejection that it took weeks of me hounding him until he finally sent an email to the object of his desire.  But when she said, "Aren't you glad we finally organised to meet?"  Not wanting to appear needy or desperate he said, "Well I'm here aren't I?"  From that moment on she wasn't listening anymore and my friend threw another slab of rejected ego into his emotional sulo bin.

Having worked my way through 57 Heinz varieties of emotional baggage, I reckon we should lower our expectations and pursue the imperfect, half-baked relationship.  Here for your selection are a few of the positives of what may initially appear to be less than attractive qualities in your partner.

Introverted Personality
This is the person we know, but don't understand.  They may for instance be very cheerful and chatty in public but incredibly sullen and grumpy when they're at home alone with you.  That sort of behavior is such a turn on because you never know what to expect and that surely makes for longevity in a relationship.

Nymphomaniac
Infidelity is perceived by many as abominable behavior, but there are some positives.  The unfaithful individual will always have a great store of jokes and interesting stories to share with you, as well as a discerning list of romantic dinner-for-two destinations.

Kleptomaniac
Trust is important, but so is learning to let go.  They may steal your favorite CD's and some silverware, but they'll leave you with great memories and the desire for a better Home and Contents Insurance policy.

Victim
A sure sign that some one is a victim is that they appear to enjoy getting treated badly, it strengthens their self-image.  Victims usually say really dumb things like, "I think that scar really suits you."  I reckon a good combo would be victim and kleptomaniac.  The kleptomaniac can keep ripping the victim off and the victim will love it!

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
I love the way Obsessive-Compulsives smell of soap and pine-o-clean.  What in one opinion can be seen as a repressed and hostile personality disorder can also indicate great strength of character.  OK, so maybe they're a little too neat and orderly, but is it really that bad to have every item in your home stacked according to thickness or colour?  I don't think a coffee cup with your name on it, so you don't drink from each other's cups is controlling – it's about respecting your personal space.

Hypochondriac
The Hypochondriac is extremely practical, you'll always have a well-stocked medicine cabinet and he or she will never leave the house without a snakebite kit and a box of rubber gloves.  Because the Hypochondriac will almost always be wearing a bandage or eye-patch, they'll attract a lot of attention and encourage conversations about health and bodily functions.  This is a great way to meet people