RACHEL'S COLUMNS
These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age
Hail all creatures of the great and small
23rd January 2004
One morning while sinking my teeth into a slab of crusty raisin toast, my eyes seized upon a bunch of words at the bottom of the page I was reading, in much the same way one might read the words, "contesting this infringement". A British sniffer-dog named Buster had been awarded the "animals' VC" for work in Iraq. The six year old spaniel received the Dickin Medal, the "highest honour for British and Commonwealth army animals" for discovering a hidden weapons cache.
What really made me sit up and chew into my tongue instead of a sultana, was discovering that this medal has been awarded to 60 animals since 1943, including 32 World War 2 carrier pigeons, 24 dogs, three horses and a ship’s cat. A cat – that's got to be a mistake. The only cat I've ever owned suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder and lunged at my neck with flared claws if I tried to feed it anything other than Tuna with Thai spices! I couldn't help noticing that the "animals' VC" list made no mention of Simpson's donkey, but I'd hazard a guess he was a quiet achiever.
As we prepare to acknowledge those Australians who've made us proud, I think it's important that I illuminate the fearlessness, charm, talent, generosity and hitherto unmentioned national contribution of our unique standout creatures. Without them we wouldn't be where we are today.
In 1770 Lt. James Cook sailed west from New Zealand to discover the south-eastern tip of the Australian mainland. Entries from Cook's logbook reveal that this was not due to Cook's desire to explore the 'Great South Land' but because the crew was trying to escape from a plague of cockroaches in the galley by sailing into colder winds. These cockroaches, oblivious to the fact that their squeaky, cartoon-like voices were driving the sailors bonkers, were simply alerting the captain to the coral reefs ahead.
What about the chicken that laid the egg that was thrown at Prime Minister Billy Hughes in 1917, in an anti-conscription brawl? That chicken with it's head permanently bent to the ground, should have it's own giant memorial, like the giant worm or the giant sheep. Tourists could climb up its rear end and dine in a huge egg-shaped restaurant choosing from an all-egg menu, so that we never forget that this chicken was no chicken.
For many Australians our spiders symbolize pure creepiness. But in 1856 the cigar-smoking, man-loving, tempestuous Lola Montes was made famous by her flesh-revealing Spider Dance. Feeling the familiar itchy sensation of a spider crawling into her bloomers, Ms Montes unashamedly raised her skirt and began yodeling, spinning, thrusting and throwing her clothing through the air. A star was born! No accolade has ever been bestowed upon the spider's fluid movement and complex repetitive choreographic sequences.
The ex premier of Queensland, Joh Bjelke-Peterson who led that state through the 1970's into the 1980's was known to his allies as 'the flying peanut'. Gough Whitlam called him "a paranoid, a bigot and fanatical" and some would say, Joh thrived on the abuse. But what really gave this man his energy, confidence and sheer stubbornness was a very special relationship with his pet mouse, Mickey. Mice are famous for learning how to leap over a series of traps to get to food. Mickey would advise the Premier nightly on all matters from amendments to the Justice Act, to resisting daylight saving. And although many Australians couldn't make sense of the gobbledygook that often came out of Joh's mouth, with Mickey's help he became that State's longest-serving premier.
If only Burke and Wills had accepted advice from the kangaroos bouncing off in the opposite direction to them, they would have survived. The list of possible Australians of The Year includes Nicole, Steve, Eddie (pick one, any one!) and Hazel. But when will we recognise the infinite achievements of our animal citizens? Remember the camels who schlepped men and supplies from Alice Springs to Oodnadatta to help build 'The Ghan'? I'm hoping that next year some one will nominate the Prime Minister's pet gerbil, Fernando, for an award. More than any advisor or expert, Fernando has contributed to the Prime Minister's now famous burrowing skills.
