RACHEL'S COLUMNS

These articles appeared in Rachel's column every Friday in the A3 section of The Age

It's yak's milk for zodiac ilk in 2004
16th January 2004

There are far too many of you still on holidays!  With smug expressions on zinc-smeared faces and salsa dip in the corners of your lips you continue reading still more horoscope and destiny charts for 2004.  If you're not working out "your love and money in the stars", you're starving yourself on the latest celebrity diet of two spouses and a chicken-bone gazpacho or cleansing your skin with Yak's milk yogurt.

The following are my astrological predictions for 2004 after sniffing through too many trashy magazines.

Aries
This year you'll make so many dumb decisions that by August you'll be a tangle of nerves and stomach cramps.  A new love will creep into your heart and the suspicion you've had about relationships in the past will disappear-along with your CD collection.  Give your skin a boost with onion juice, you've got nothing to lose.

Taurus
In your quest for financial security you'll be ruthless in your budget, but  forget where you hid all the money.  A nasty temper tantrum will backfire and you'll have to run home without any clothes on.  Use a mask of yogurt, yeast and pitted prunes; mash together, smear it over your face and leave it on for a month.

Gemini
Believing that you're Steve Irwin you try feeding your mother to a crocodile, but mothers are not part of the crocodile's backstage rider.  You land a great job but vertigo prevents you from moving upward in your chosen career.  Drink prune juice, it helps loosen stuff.

Cancer
You are at a crossroad but are unaware of it.  You retreat into your shell and exchange one problem for another one in a larger size.  You may lose a huge sum of money while sleepwalking at Chadstone shopping centre.  Eat dried seaweed it preserves your crustiness.

Leo
Obey all signs in 2004, especially the one that says, 'Enter at own risk.'  You are haunted by the image of Kim Beazley in Lycra bike shorts.  Apply brown-shoe paste and kelp to your skin every other day and some fool will agree to polish your crown.

Virgo
Romance beckons, but you'll be too busy scrubbing the kitchen.  In June you will look directly into Mark Latham's face and not go blind.  Obstacles look great on you.  Put borax, honey and Vegemite in a large bottle and shake well, this will reduce nasal hairs.

Libra
In February you'll discover something growing between your toes and employ a man called George to remove it.  You swallow Viagra instead of Aspirin and learn how to whistle between two fingers.  Mix a teaspoon of breadcrumbs with prune juice and use as a paste to reduce swelling.

Scorpio
A friend's purchase of a bread maker leads to a nasty accident.  On June 30th you tell a lie and make a narrow escape only to fall in love with a stranger.  Don't eat anything you find on the floor of your car.  Soak in a bath of chicken soup, it's great for hemorrhoids.

Sagittarius
You're the eternal optimist, which really gives your friends the heebie-jeebies.  Take your time with a romantic decision in September but know that you'll be wrong whatever you decide.  Drink equal parts lemon juice, vinegar and vodka to prevent fear of bank managers.

Capricorn
You'll either cement a lasting relationship or screw things up completely.  A tall dark stranger will throw you a ball at the tennis and this will lead to a nasty rash.  Rub lanolin and beef gravy into your hands to soften cuticles.

Aquarius
There is no end in sight for your relentless self-loathing.  Start getting into shape now for the Athens Olympics, you will unexpectedly be asked to represent your country in the pole vault.  Pinch your face from the corners of your mouth to your eyes to prevent wrinkles.

Pisces
This year brings a complete change of hairstyle.  Be not afraid, mullets will come back some day!  You may purchase a new property near water or a fire hydrant.  Slap your face and head to stimulate blood flow.